When we were still in contact (he eventually ghosted) he had told me he planned on doing it, and I knew he had a history of child abuse and poor mental health too, but still, you're never truly prepared when it does happen. I found out while doing a tarot reading completely unrelated to him with a friend. I wasn’t expecting him to show up at all. He said he was sorry repeatedly, said he took the coward’s way out and hoped I could forgive him. And that he was still fucked up. I am in pieces. Devastated isn't even the word l'd use. I can't eat or sleep. I'm so out of it that I'm making mistakes a completely inexperienced trainee would make at work (my boss and my manager knows what's happening so they’re giving me some grace, thank god). So many questions unanswered, so many issues unaddressed, so many thoughts not communicated. I especially feel sorry towards his mother who also suffered the same fate and begged me to help save him a few years back. I promised I would try but ultimately couldn’t because he ghosted and i couldn’t reach him. I completely failed her